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THE CHATTER BOX

 
  
  
  The Chatter Box : Blathering On
  
  
  
 
Messages 1 2 

Cleese on the US by perfectbitch on 8 May 2007 4:38pm
 
NEWS FLASH! Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

>

> A Message from John Cleese

>

> To the citizens of the United States of America:

>

> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and

> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

> your independence, effective immediately.

>

> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

> duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting

> Kansas, which she does not fancy).

>

> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

> America without the need for further elections.

>

> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

>

> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any

> of you noticed.

>

> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

> rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up

> "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

>

> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

> -----------------

>

> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

> skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the

> suffix -ise.

>

> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

> levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

> ------------------------

> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

> such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form

> of communication.

>

> There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on

> your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take

> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You

> will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

> -------------------

> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

> -----------------

> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

>

> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to

> sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then

> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

> ----------------------

> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if

> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

> ----------------------

> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what

> we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.

> ---------------------

> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

> conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

> understand the British sense of humour.

> --------------------

> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

> calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

> -------------------

> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,

> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

> -------------------

> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be

> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted

> provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also

> acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on

> earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also a British

> Colony, see what it did for them.

>

> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so

> that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

> ---------------------

> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

> play English characters.

>

> Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and

> a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a

> cheese grater.

> ---------------------

> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind

> of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough

> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities

> to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every

> twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of

> nancies). Don't try Rugby the Aussies and Kiwis will thrash you, like

> they regularly thrash us.

> ---------------------

> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not

> playedoutside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there

> is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will

> learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the

> sting out of their deliveries.

> --------------------

> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

> -----------------

> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

> monies due (backdated to 1776).

> ---------------

> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never

> mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in

> season.

>

> God save the Queen.

> Only he can.

> John Cleese

Got sent this - apologies if you have seen it before

Linz
 
Re: Cleese on the US by Gollumit on 8 May 2007 4:57pm
 
Hilarious!

Very funny
 
Re: Cleese on the US by Louise on 8 May 2007 6:15pm
 
Oh, I enjoyed this :D
 
Re: Cleese on the US by Spursfan on 8 May 2007 7:29pm
 
Omigod that is soooo funny (and true ha ha - especially the vocab bit)
 
Re: Cleese on the US by sighthound on 8 May 2007 8:44pm
 
Roundabouts?!! Disasters waiting to happen!

Chips and crisps are dietary disasters and should not be encouraged under any circumstances.

I definitely agree about JFK. It's been driving us mad here for decades, too.

Uh, Cleese has elected to live in the U.S. for how long now? And outside of Santa Barbara where there is no hope of effective public transportation so UK pricing on gasoline would mean no one could get to town buy essentials and the economy would collapse.

'nuff said.
 
Re: Cleese on the US by johnnythemonkey on 8 May 2007 10:58pm
 
Geraldine, the JFK thing. You [America] got the right man. I'm convinced that Oswald was the lone gunman. Recent advances in technology have been able to use the Zapruder film to prove this. Whether there was a conspiracy is another matter.
I'm amazed how many people mix up fact with fiction because of [the enjoyable but silly] Oliver Stone film J.F K.
Computer analysis of the Zapruder film show that no 'magic bullet' was required. Hundreds of books [some of which I've read] were written trying to solve a mystery that did'nt exist.
 
Re: Cleese on the US by Palin_Lover on 8 May 2007 11:00pm
 
Quite amusing!
 
Re: Cleese on the US by Chris14 on 9 May 2007 2:35am
 
It's very funny indeed, the only problem is that it looks very similar to that article what John denied to write about 2 or 3 years ago (www.thejonhcleese.com). There's a writing by him in which he refuses any relation with this stuff. I think it's at the Free Preview section or News section ('I Didn't Write That Letter').

Chris
 
Re: Cleese on the US by Chris14 on 9 May 2007 2:40am
 
Although I'm not sure that it is the same article word-by-word, maybe it's a new version of it and perhaps this was written by John indeed.

Chris
 
Re: Cleese on the US by ev on 9 May 2007 2:59am
 
For sure he did not write it.. most unlikely that he would know or even care what a Holden Monaro is..
 
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