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  The Chatter Box : Blathering On
Terry Jones in The Guardian by Helen on 21 April 2004 1:54pm
Invade Iraq? It's a no brainer

Terry Jones on what makes our leaders tick

Monday April 19, 2004
The Guardian

Everyone agrees that President George Bush's lobotomy has been a tremendous

Dick Cheney, the vice-president, declared that he was fully satisfied with
it from his point of view.

"Without the lobotomy," Mr Cheney told the American Academy of Neurology,
"it might have proved difficult to persuade the president to start wars all
around the world without any good pretext. But the removal of those parts of
the brain associated with understanding the outcome of one's actions has
enabled the president to function fully and without hesitation. Even when it
is clear that disaster is around the corner, as it is currently in Iraq, the
chief executive is able to go on TV and announce that everything is on
course and that he has no intention of changing tactics that have already
proved disastrous.

"I would like to commend the surgeons, nurses and all involved with the
operation," said Mr Cheney.

Similarly, Donald Rumsfeld regards the surgery as an unqualified success. He
writes in this month's American Medical Association Journal: "The
president's prefrontal leucotomy has successfully removed all neural
reflexes resistant to war-profiteering. It is a tribute to the medical team
who undertook this delicate operation that, no matter how close the
connection between those instigating military action and the companies who
benefit from it, the president is able to carry on as if he were morally in
the right."

Paul Wolfowitz, the deputy secretary of defence, is also delighted at the
beneficial effect that medical intervention has had on the president. "Just
imagine how the president might have responded to Ariel Sharon's crazy
schemes if we hadn't had the foresight to take out the neural pathways
normally connected with perception and understanding," Mr Wolfowitz told a
meeting of the Association of Muslim Neurosurgeons For An All-Jewish Israel.
"The president is now capable of treating the man responsible for the
massacres at Shatila and Sabra as a decent human being, whose advice on how
to deal with the problems of Israel is worth not only listening to, but also

With all this acclaim for the US president's lobotomy, it is scarcely
surprising that Tony Blair, should have decided to follow suit and undergo
similar psychosurgery.

Thanks to the inhibition of specific presynaptic terminals, Mr Blair now
appears to feel totally comfortable giving his support to the US massacre in
Falluja and to the activities of US snipers who have been so busy in that
city shooting women, children and ambulance drivers in revenge for the
murder of four mercenaries.

It is also believed that intervention in the motor speech area of his cortex
now enables Mr Blair to describe Iraqis who respond negatively to having
their houses blown up as "fanatics, extremists and terrorists".

Similarly ablation of the oculomotor nerve means that Mr Blair is now able
to see Israeli plans to retain Jewish settlements in the West Bank as a big
step forward in the Middle East peace process.

What has come as a complete surprise, however, is the recent revelation that
Mr Blair's brain surgery may even predate President Bush's. For without the
removal of large portions of his cerebellum, it is hard to understand how
the British prime minister could have turned down Mr Bush's no-strings offer
to keep British troops out of combat in Iraq.

Political commentators are thus finding it impossible to say whether it is
Mr Bush or Mr Blair who has pioneered the use of executive lobotomies in the
war against terrorism.

· Terry Jones is a writer, film director, actor and Python

Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by Helen on 21 April 2004 1:56pm
Nurse! Nu-urse!
Take Mr. Gumby to a BRAIN SURGEON!
Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by Izot on 21 April 2004 3:14pm
I reckon that'd be funnier if I were a doctor.

Or a politician.

Or a smart person. =D
Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by sminobe on 21 April 2004 6:16pm
That would be *President* Gumby...
Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by ellenpc on 22 April 2004 12:45am
Go Te-rry!!!

Go Te-rry!!!

Bush - "It's just my? Whaddya call it guys??
My aaaaaaaah?????????

(Presidential aide whispers in the Presidents ear)
- "your nose Mr President??"

Bush - "No!"

Presidential aide - "Your knee Mr President?"

Bush - "No Goddamit!!! Are you on my payroll!!??"

Presidential aide - "Ahhh, yes I am Mr President, Sir. Forgive me, but I'd really like to help you find what you've lost."

Bush - " God-in-heaven, this is so, um, annoying.
It's something I haven't used in such an age, I just don't recall where I placed it"

Presidential aide - "Something you haven't used for a long time??? (I'm sure I know what that is)

Presidential aide whispers discreetly into a walkie talkie -

"We have a code vermillion here guys........ The President's brain is missing. I repeat, the President's brain is missing.
It's the same 'no action taken' scenario guys, but today he actually noticed it wasn't there.
Carry on with your card games fellas as I'll bet he'll forget he noticed his absent brain almost immediately.

Yeah I know, it's the first time in three years...........

What a guy!!!!!!!!??????????"
Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by Helen on 22 April 2004 1:55pm
Ellen! This is funny as hell!
Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by ilse on 25 April 2004 11:07am
unfortunately, there were some complications with President Bush's lobotomy; a part of the brain controlling language was damaged, and he has consequently been unable to put together a fully comprehensible sentence since.

by the way, the Guardian is some sort of newspaper, correct?
Re: Terry Jones in The Guardian by Mac on 25 April 2004 3:42pm
Do I know say that I can,t recall ever saying that ?

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