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  The Chatter Box : Blathering On
A year later by bandgeek512 on 18 April 2006 1:39am
Okay, so I know I haven't been here very often; at least, not recently. School work has piled up and graduation is coming quickly. I just haven't had time to do the things I really enjoy: like coming here.

But, I really just needed to make a post.

Tomorrow marks the one year "anniversary" of my friend dieing in a car accident. I guess I just wanted to make a post in her honor. It's not much, but it's really the only way I know to give her honor. Words are really escaping me right now. I'm going to visit a memorial for her at her school. They set one up. Her parent's didn't bury her; she was cremated.

I said some things in my online journal: www.xanga.com/bandgeek512 --I just don't think I can say anything more about this. I'm not even sure if I could if I tried. A year later...this is for you, Kelley. I haven't forgotten.

Keep me in your thoughts tomorrow. I'm still not sure how to handle things. I suppose I'm just too young to handle it like an "adult". All I can seem to do is to "hide" from people. Most recently, at school, I've had these moments where I get very quiet and I just can't really say anything to anyone. So, tomorrow at school might be hard.

In honor of Kelley: April 5, 1988-April 18, 2005
Re: A year later by pandab on 18 April 2006 2:18am
What is an "adult" way to handle grief? Is there such a thing?

Grief is different for each person, sweet. It is natural for you to still keenly feel the loss of your friend, and if you've become a bit quiet in recent weeks, that is okay.

I don't mean to frighten you, but you will probably always have a tender spot in your soul for Kelley. In time, though, the worst of the heartache will ease. You will think of Kelley and probably feel something softer. That doesn't mean you won't still mourn her loss. You will always remember her, but the sharp edge of your sorrow will soften. Trust me.

I am a bit concerned by your "hiding" from people. It is normal to feel isolated from others in times of grief. It is your pain, and it is hard to share that with others, but share it you must. Reach out to others. You might be surprised to find that others share your feelings, and the sharing can make the burden a little easier to bear. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your other friends or your family, you can talk to a counsellor or your minister (priest, rabbi or whatever).

I really do understand what you are feeling. My mother died of cancer in 1992, and it was a traumatic time for me and my family. Whatever differences she and I had (and we had more than our fair share), she was the anchor of our family, and I felt adrift for a long time. For months after her death, I would catch myself dialing her telephone number to share the latest good or bad news in my life. Even today, nearly 14 years later, I see things and think, "Mom would love that." I even occasionally think, "I need to tell Mom about this."

Honor Kelley however you feel is best and keep her memory in your heart. If you feel the need for quiet, then be quiet. But, please, don't "hide" from your own life. Keep trying to reach out. There really are people in the world who will reach back.

Re: A year later by tucsonmike on 18 April 2006 6:33am
All I can say is I am sorry, and work through it however you can. You know folks on here will help you. Pandab is right, don't hide.

I have lost people, but not like that. I can't even begin to imagine, so I am not going to say "I know how you feel," because I don't. Remember there are folks who are here for you.
Re: A year later by perfectbitch on 18 April 2006 11:03am
My first experience of losing someone close to me was also the loss of a good friend in a car accident. Her 4 month old daughter survived her. It took a long time before I came to terms with the loss and now, 21 years later, I still want to tell her things that I know she'd laugh at or be interested in. And, of course, during those last 21 years, there are too many other loved ones who have joined her. It's just a question of learning to live with it as best you can, remembering the good times and keeping positive. We have no control over these matters and that is hard to accept at any age.

One lovely idea I used once was to write her a long letter, saying all the things that there was no time to tell her and then attaching the letter to a helium filled balloon and letting it go. Might sound stupid but it made me feel better.

Re: A year later by pandab on 19 April 2006 2:03am
Linz, what a beautiful idea!

I have a friend who lost her father as a child. Periodically, such as when she graduated or got married, she would write him a letter telling him about it and seal it in a zip-loc bag. Then she took it to his grave, dug a small hole with a garden spade and buried the letter. She always felt embarrassed about doing it, but she also felt it connected her to her dad at times when she REALLY wished he could be there.

Re: A year later by irishladette on 20 April 2006 4:55pm
The most important thing is that you remember Shelley. Everybody goes through grief at some time in their life, and we have to find a way of getting through it in their own way. I wrote poetry - but writing a letter, going somewhere special to Kelley and talking out loud to her might help. I wanted to find words that told of my grief, and I found it in a song, though I didn't write it myself I treasure those words, I have left those wrods on my parents' grave, you might find the same understanding in another song, poem, prose, or book. People out there do understand sadness, each one of us goes through it differently and sometimes when the World flashes by, you think will somebody else will remember a year ago, and I'm sure there are many. Obviously when somebody is cremated you don't have a grave to go to, that's why I'd suggest going somewhere special to her, from a park bench, a particular view, a place you'd meet up, even a shopping mall. I'm sure that Kelley is out there and watching over such a good friend as you. Bless you

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